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“The mother is supposed to be responsible for everything her son is and will become. If she’s a good mother, her son will turn out to be ok. If she is a bad mother, she winds up with a bad son.”
In her book Raising Boys Without Men, Peggy Drexler addresses and finally debunks longstanding ideas, the habit of blaming mothers being among the most popular. The concept that everything that goes “wrong” with children is the mother’s fault has created generations of mothers with guilt complexes. For years upon years, movies, TV and books have perpetuated this obnoxious myth. To do away with that one specifically, she delves into histories and feelings of real mothers - and their sons.
Interestingly enough, although the blame goes to the mother, much of the praise goes to the father. Given that this is the norm, imagine the stigma lived down by mothers without male partners? “We live in a culture where we want mothers to do everything, and whenever something goes wrong, it’s the mother’s fault,” Drexler says. Blame intensifies with when conventions are defied, she goes on to explain, while introducing the meat of her research.
She challenges the notion of the traditional definition of “family” through intelligently researched family groups around America. Diversity is the reality in today’s America. One idea that is explored is that it is through the mother that children gain a moral personality. By that argument, it would make sense that these boys might be enabled to become stronger, more confidently emotional men. The common popular belief is that only through a man’s guidance can a boy develop morality. These boys in Peggy Drexler’s studies are proving otherwise, over and over.
While most people typically skim forward quickly, it is easy to be drawn in by Peggy Drexler’s candid, passionate thoughts. She shares her motivations and goals in writing Raising Boys Without Men. Her “work challenges tide of opinion and research arguing that boys need fathers in order to grow to manliness.” That it does! She argues with feeling and fact, making a point that is not the least bit shaky. Wisdom gleaned from single mothers by choice and not by choice as well as from two-mother households is shared with enthusiasm.
Each chapter has a concise wrap-up of concepts and supporting evidences covered. It is conveniently laid out to be used as a research tool. A good table of contents, a thorough index, and an exhaustive set of endnotes and credits given make it invaluable in its field. The overall tone is intelligent and straightforward.
Only one concern causing a small amount of cynicism is the one-sided glow she seems to apply to each situation and child she was involved with. Inevitably, all of the boys interviewed and watched for years were incredible examples of boys and men, prime examples of all that a man should ideally be: sensitive, thoughtful, strong, with a good side of logic and nurturing too. One must wonder if there were any naughty boys in her study at all, or if they were simply not included in the end result. The closest to naughtiness was a late mention of two siblings squabbling. There was little else.
Despite that small curiosity, this book really is a must-have in the wide realm of parenting books. Regardless of what label is placed on a family, the wisdom gleaned from these families is worthwhile. And three cheers for all the moms out there working to break the mold - and for Peggy Drexler for sharing it with such clarity and compassion.
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Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men